I think I can make it....
Don't worry, he's too old to buck....
Hold this beer and watch this....
I'll get a world record for this....
Don't worry, it's fireproof....
So you're a cannibal....
He's probably just hibernating....
Pull the pin and count to what?
That's odd....
This doesn't taste right....
Nice doggie....
Adult Truths:
1. I think part of a best friend's job is immediately clear your computer
history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I did not want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I cannot remember the last time I was not at least somewhat tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just are not going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I do not want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet “that on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.”
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still did not hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies......Quit Laughing.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, No video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, No cell phones, No personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS And we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth And there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, And the worms did not live in us
Forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, Although we were told it would happen, We did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and Knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just Walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal With disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law Was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best Risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years Have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them?
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I did not want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I cannot remember the last time I was not at least somewhat tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just are not going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I do not want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet “that on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.”
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still did not hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies......Quit Laughing.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and
70's!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, Tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs overed with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, Locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode Our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, We would ride in cars with no car seats, No booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day Was always a special treat.
We drank water From the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, From one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were Always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, As long as we were back when the Streetlights came on.
No one was able To reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps And then ride them down the hill, only to find out We forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, Tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs overed with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, Locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode Our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, We would ride in cars with no car seats, No booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day Was always a special treat.
We drank water From the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, From one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were Always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, As long as we were back when the Streetlights came on.
No one was able To reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps And then ride them down the hill, only to find out We forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, No video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, No cell phones, No personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS And we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth And there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, And the worms did not live in us
Forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, Although we were told it would happen, We did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and Knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just Walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal With disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law Was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best Risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years Have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them?
CONGRATULATIONS!
ELEVEN RULES OF LIFE:
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 :
The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one..
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one..
Pun'ography
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any
time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it
down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on
words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope
there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx..
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
